Best Films of 2008

by James Evans

Man on Wire
I’m not afraid of heights, but there is no way in hell you could get me to do something like this. Philip Petite walked a tightrope across the World Trade Center towers back in 1974. Illegally. This documentary tells the incredible story of how he did it. I simply cannot understand how anyone would not want to see this movie.

Another great documentary is Surfwise. Look it up.

Slumdog Millionaire
Danny Boyle’s Bollywood love story was a nice surprise for me. The preview made it out to be something different than it is. One of the few movies this year that I saw more than once.

The Dark Knight
This should have been nominated for Best Picture and not because of Heath Ledger dying. He is brilliant in the movie but everyone else is good, too. I love Maggie Gyllenhaal, so I was happy for her replacing Katie Holmes. I was glad that one of the times I saw it was in IMAX. It really was worth it for the scenes that they filmed in the IMAX format.

I also want to mention Iron Man, of course. That one was more fun, so it’s a different movie, but they were both great.

And I loved The Incredible Hulk. After the first movie from five years ago, I was worried about them doing it right. Especially since Edward Norton was attached. He is really hit and miss for me, but he was perfect in the role. I hope they make another with this cast.

The Wackness
If you don’t know what this movie is then just rent it. Don’t look anything up. Josh Peck and Ben Kingsley are great in this smaller film that was unfortunately overlooked. By everyone.

In Bruges
I didn’t know anything about this movie going into it, and that is how I prefer things. It’s funny and yet there is sadness behind things. Colin Farrell is great here unlike in Casandra’s Dream, which was terrible. And Ralph Fiennes shows once again he is one of the best actors today. Despite The Reader. Watch Guy Ritchie’s Rock N Rolla for a good double feature.

Let The Right One In
I actually liked Twilight, but the best vampire movie was this Swedish film. It is also one of the most unique and interesting films I have seen in a long time. I loved everything about the movie but the last five minutes will last with me forever.

Another great foreign film and another unique movie was Timecrimes. What would happen if someone turned on a time machine? Well, you get to find out if you watch this very dark comedy.

Tropic Thunder
This was just a hilarious movie. Robert Downey, Jr. deserves his nomination this year for his role. I am not someone who thought that Tom Cruise was so brilliant here though. Yes, he was good but there was way too much talk about him.

Two other comedies I loved this year were Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Pineapple Express. Russell Brand made Sarah Marshall and James Franco was absolutely the stand-out in Pineapple.

JCVD
Yes, those initials stand for Jean Claude Van Damme. He shows here that he can actually act. Although I felt his monologue went on a little too long, it was a terrific scene. The rest of the movie is good except for the very end.

And speaking of actors you wouldn’t think much of, Mickey Rourke deserves to win Best Actor for The Wrestler. Again, it’s not just a movie that shows he can act; it is a great movie with a lot of heart.

Boy A
Not quite based on a true story. This is about a boy who gets out of jail for a crime he committed while a juvenile. He is relocated and given a different name but when he saves the life of someone in a car accident, his past comes back to haunt him. It’s devastating to watch.

Under the Same Moon
I didn’t believe that this little boy could make the journey that he does, but I would like to think it’s possible so that is why I loved this movie. A small gem and a truly great story.

Most Underrated
The most underrated film of the year would have to be Speed Racer. Yes, it is too long especially for the audience they were going for, but I thought it was a lot of fun. It looked great in digital, too.

Most Overrated
The Reader. Best Picture? Watch it and tell me that it is not a bad German After School Special.

Not As Bad As You Heard
I can’t believe I am going to do this, but The Love Guru wasn’t terrible. It is not good by any means, and Ben Kingsley should be ashamed of himself. Despite that I did laugh a number of times. Still not saying you should see it though.

And Twilight. I really enjoyed this movie. For what it was. They did a good job of going after their audience. No, I still do not know why they are still going to high school after 100 years. Can’t they just say that they are home-schooled? Or what about college at least?

Biggest Disappointment
Hellboy II. I am a huge Hellboy fan from the comic books. I have a Hellboy tattoo and I loved the first movie. So what the hell happened with this second one? It was lazy, and I hated the whole pregnancy thing. I did like the addition of Johann Krauss to the mix though.

Movie Review: Valkyrie

by James Evans

There was so much talk about this movie—whether or not it was good—and it kept getting bumped around on the schedule, so I was really curious. Liam Neeson wasn’t the only good German during WWII. So was Tom Cruise! It’s a good untold story, but when you know they don’t succeed then it really comes down to how entertaining the rest of the film is. It starts off good and then the plot comes around for awhile. Then there is just a little too much with explanations and it gets boring. The last half an hour is interesting and done very well. Could have been a whole different world right now if they had succeeded.

Movie Review: Tropic Thunder

by James Evans

If there was a question of whether or not Ben Stiller was a little washed up, this movie should reassure you that the answer is no. Not only did he write and direct the movie, but he also stars as the dumb action hero actor in the movie. Jack Black is great, and I won’t spoil the scenes of the comedy series of films he is in. Of course, the talk is all about Robert Downey, Jr. as the serious actor who undergoes a procedure to be black for the role. They do it just fine and never go too far with it. I’m sure many of you have heard about the other big actor who makes an appearance, but for those of you who have not, then I will just say that someone may have saved a career here. There are laugh-out-loud moments all throughout the movie; it definitely does not disappoint. The only reason for the R rating is the language and maybe a certain scene with the director of the movie they are filming. Oh, and there was nothing after the credits.

Best Films of 2006

    

by James Evans

The Truth About Vin Diesel

by Sean Rein

Is it just me or does Vin Diesel look like Right Said Fred? That’s the deepest observation I have about the talentless Superstar of American Cinema.

When I first saw the trailer for The Chronicles of Riddick, I have to admit that the Sci-Fi nerd in me got a little excited. I do enjoy a good science fiction adventure now and then. For instance, the first three Star Wars movies (I don’t have time to list all of the problems that I had with the latest two) Bladerunner and Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension are all great movies. Then, just as I was all worked up in to a frothy nerd lather, The Diesel comes on screen and wrecks my entire mood.

Of all the current talentless actors and actresses in Hollywood today—Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck, Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, etc.—Vin Diesel is the worst, hands down, and should be the current poster boy of overpaid, talentless actors.

At the time of me writing this, I still have not seen Vinny in that movie and I refuse to. I think that Vin Diesel is the product of the evil machine that is known as Hollywood. Year after year they churn out shitty movie after shitty movie and Vin Diesel is the current talentless actor that has that manly/pseudo-gay look that is so popular with the kids today.

I myself have tried to stop donating money to this evil enterprise. I flat-out refuse to spend 8 to 10 dollars to see a film with bad acting and a predictable outcome. Then, most Americans (sheep) not only spend the money in the theater, they then buy the goddamned DVD for 20 to 30 dollars! Thus ensuring that more crappy films will follow.

I have a sister-in-law who has a collection of 200 or so DVDs. That’s about $4,000 she has invested in Hollywood. The worst part is that she doesn’t even watch them. She watches reality TV every night and complains about how poor she is.

You people are just encouraging the brainless Hollywood executives who do nothing but screw over talented writers and directors in order to put some more money in their pockets.

ENOUGH!

I could rant all day about what a scam it all is so, I’ll end with this.

Do you have any friends that think they’re cooler and more sophisticated than you? You know the type…the friends who say pretentious things like, “I’m going to the Lagoon Theater to see a foreign film.”

I actually don’t have a problem with them. They, like me, are tired of funding the Hollywood machine. However, do you think that there is a group of friends in France right now going to the crappy little theater in the artsy part of town to see The Day After Tomorrow and tell one another that they are “going to see a foreign film.”

I rest my case.

Boo Gotta Poo

by Paul Brennan

How was your day? Mine not so good. It started like this…

I nearly pooped my pants this morning.

I was heading to work down Interstate 94, minding my own business, when, well, let’s just say I felt the urge. It wasn’t like when you have a little nudge in your belly that lets you know that your bowels are ready and that it would be nice if you would attend to them. That would have been a very welcome urge, one which I would have even befriended (if that’s possible).

But, Nooo-oh!

It was like a friggin’ earthquake shook the ground. I’m heading through the Lowry Tunnel when I realize that I am about ready to mess myself. I hit the accelerator hard, feeling like Cole Trickle from Top Gun 2 or whatever the Tom Cruise racing movie was called, hoping the car has the balls it takes to hold my line on the track.

Unlike Cole, I am not strapped in and wearing a helmet. I am actually sitting half-assed side-saddle on one butt cheek. I try to utilize this new yoga position to keep puckered long enough to give me the best chance of not soiling myself. I look like a contortionist.

Coming out off the tunnel onto I-394, and after a sharp left, it starts to feel like a straightaway. I am somewhat relieved (not relieving however). I am trying to maintain some semblance of self-control as well as manage my speed so I don’t get a ticket. This feeling is short-lived. There is still a solid 6+ minutes before I will reach work!

I drift off into a state of Zen. My eyes glaze over. It is getting worse. My sphincter is winking. There is pain involved here. I am not sure if I can make it.

But wait. Maybe I can make it! I am in the parking ramp…I am so close! It is starting to feel like when you have to pee and you start dancing as soon as you get to the bathroom door and it is nearly impossible to get your pants down because you are so close, yet so damn far.

I get out of the car and start to gallop toward the entrance. It’s kind of an odd lope, like a young Forrest Gump in leg braces. My knee is strained from my unique yoga, and I am still at full pucker. It is at this point that Cole Trickle’s colon starts to trickle. My eyes are wider than my poop hole feels and worry / fear / devastation / mortification (and defecation) creep out. I dash into the stall and so begins what I like to call “the rumble in the jungle.”

I flippin’ made it.

I am pleased. I check to make sure there is no evidence of what could have been a disaster in my pants. All clean. Whew! I am even on time for work. Nice!

I like to keep baby wipes by my toilet at home. You know, for cleanliness. I’ve taken to keeping some at work, too. I figure I might as well use a few to make sure there is no lingering residue. As I proceed to clean myself, *ZOWWWWWEEEE*!!

Christ! I must have torn something during the unload. The burn of the wet wipe on my strained bum felt like someone had stuck me with a red-hot poker. I shrieked like a cat does if you were to try to get conjugal with it. I wanted to cry.

All of this before 9:00 a.m. Goddamn curry. Those Indians are tough.

Of interest: The Poop Report