One-Upmanship and Pop Culture Braggadocio

by Tony Palermo

“The earliest I ever referenced John Merrick was at a 10 a.m. board meeting. Arthur in accounting INSISTED it was a tam, but I was of the mind that he was wearing a pillowcase.”

“Pfft. I catch the 8 a.m. bus to work and just this morning told the driver that the part in his hair was almost identical to that of Fred Rogers AND that his choice in pomade was Most—not Moist—MOST Shemp-esque.”

“Heh. Every other week at 7 a.m. sharp I’ve got an appointment with the shoeshine dude in our lobby. By 7:15 a.m., I’ve already told him that his shammy looks to be comprised of the same material as Johnny Weissmuller’s loincloth, that his buffing reminds me of the ninja moves of Lee Van Cleef, and that his saliva appears to have the same consistency of a blendered Gremlin. The shoeshine dude calls me the Steve McQueen of sitting to boot (pun intended).”

“My coffee shop is right on my bus line; so I’m there every morning ’round 6:45 a.m. I’ve told the barista there that her whipped cream applications to my daily mocha are akin to the eye of the cyclops from Krull, that her swaying chest is reminiscent to the migratory hunchback of Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein, and that the aroma of their fan favorite dark roast ‘Frozen in an Igloo Seal Plops’ would make Nanook himself hock his parka for a cup.”

“Closing time at the bar last night I noted that the olive floating in my fifth martini looked a lot like a decapitated Boba Fett. Thus inspired (and already olived out), I hooped that bastard in the ass crack of a fellow patron; in essence, turning his upper crena analis into a Mobile Sarlacc Pit.”

“Man…fuck you.”

“Heh.”