Whoa, Joe

by Tony Palermo

Joe Cocker is the Beatles of Alleged-Humans-Constructed-of-Broiled-Ham.

You can almost TASTE the broiled ham.

Joe Cocker: The Original Non-Tinned Tinned Keyless Mobile Ham Nutrition System.

In this photo, Joe Cocker is excreting a ham brood from his exhaust pork.

Baby’s First Lesson in American Sign Language

Photo only. No story necessary.

The Late William Conrad on Delicious Weaponry

by Tony Palermo

“I know what you’re *pant* thinking.

“Did he eat six shots or only five?

“Well, to tell you the truth, in all *urp* this esurience, I kind of lost track myself.

“But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most *burf* ambrosial chocolate handgun in the world, and that it would sate a smaller *flurgh* human’s appetite right off, you’ve got to ask your *hlurb* digestive gibbosity a question…

“Do I feel peckish?

“Well, do ya, glutton?”

A Conversation I Will Soon Have with My Neighbor

by Tony Palermo

Listening to the local Classic Rock Station while working on your car, eh?

You’re a fan of the oldies I take it?

Cool.

Say, there’s been something on my mind about Pink Floyd’s song “Money” from their Dark Side of the Moon record; do you mind if I run it by you and see whatcha think?

You’re familiar with the song? Cool.

Okay, one of the lines—and I hope I heard it right—is:

“Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash,” right?

I did get it right? Cool.

Okay, I think they’re pulling a fast one on their fans and general listening public with this song and, really, the entire album.

No, really…wait…

Don’t shake your head just yet…listen to me.

Okay, the “stash” in the line I quoted isn’t actually stash but “’stache” (short for mustache).

And what would be the opposite of the “dark side of the moon” if, say, “moon” is a reference to your buttocks?

That’s right…your FACE. And what might DARKEN your FACE?

A mustache.

Back when it was released in 1973, Roger Waters was cryptically calling for a Mustache Revolution from the masses…and I think he succeeded.

How might one explain the popularity of Burt Reynolds in the mid to late 70s, hmm?

Hey, where’d you go?

*Harrumph* …must be a ‘Stachist.

Speaking of Mustaches

by Tony Palermo

The television program The Six Million Dollar Man was one of my favorite shows back in the 70s (it ran from 1973-78 and then for a long, long time as reruns in syndication).

I’ve often (of late) pined for its release on DVD so I could experience the show anew as an adult (especially the Steve versus Sasquatch episodes). Said wishes often lead me to scour the Internet for any nugget of news about an impending release.

Yesterday, a search led me to the entry on Wikipedia about The Six Million Dollar Man. It was there that I gleaned a lil’ bit of trivia:

Near the end of the series, Lee Majors experimented with changing Austin’s look by growing a mustache. This proved unpopular and the idea was dropped, but not before a number of commercial tie-ins, including a comic book and a lunch box, had been produced with the new look. It was rumored that Majors would often roam the set and ask if anyone wanted to “take a sniff of Farrah.”

Bat Boy

by Tony Palermo

A friend tells you over some beers that he likes to spend a couple nights a week at an area batting cage. You say that hitting some baseballs sounds like a decent way to unwind after a long day on the job.

Your friend admits that he’s not really at the batting facility to swat balls, but rather that he gets off on fondling the freshly used bats.

He whispers to you conspiratorially, “The ambient warmth on the carved ash hilts really makes my Charlie hustle.”

You recoil in disgust at this eccentric fetishism yet you admire the flavorful use of the nickname of MLB all-time hits leader, Pete Rose, to describe an erect penis.